Saturday, August 20, 2022

Human Doing to Human Being...

Ok.  So let's get real and vulnerable for a moment.  If Brene Brown can be vulnerable so can I.

For a LOT of the last few decades I have felt more like a human DOING  than a human BEING.  I have worked almost non stop since I was 17.  I even had to go back to high school for my grad as I finished early when I landed my first job (yes at 17!) at a law firm.  I was an entry level legal secretary and worked for a man who was about 60 when I started.  He told me I had a head like a rock garden, whereupon I soon learned to take notes when he gave me instructions. Ouch!  OK. So I'm a bit of a scatterbrain. Acknowledged. 

The fear of being in his presence didn't beat me.  I learned and eventually (decades later) was a pretty darn good paralegal.  

Life lesson:  Don't get hurt by those criticisms.  Use them as a springboard to do better, to improve your game!

I worked all of my adult life even when I was 9 months pregnant and ready to deliver.  Even when I had nursing babes, toddlers and school age children.  I had a Mennonite work ethic and was darn proud of it.  

Gosh!  I even worked when I broke my foot!

Business Manager (at home) for Island Christian Info/Sunday Magazine

Paralegal job.  Loved my work!  But my body shut down and I had to take early retirement.

Admirable?  Sure....BUT that's all I, work, work.  My answer to harder.  My therapist told me during counselling for said burnout that I didn't present like typical depression cases.  I was more like Drs whose answer is to work harder, not to rest.  Nailed it.  That was me.

You'd think after a year of therapy and tons of prayer that that would have solved my problem, but nope!  My default mode is 'working'.  When someone doesn't carry their weight, I pick up their load as well, not even aware that I'm being a rescue ranger, or as I called it the 'chief enabler of the universe'. 

Well this year I did something incredibly brave.  I stopped.  I mean I REALLY stopped.  I could see it happening again, not with legal work but with my  quilting business.  I loved it but it all got to be too much.  Too many quilts, too many finished quilts piling up. Stop the train!!  Can't you just see me pulling that string to alert the train engineer?

After about 7 months of family discussions, planning sessions, and prayer and surrender, we decided to sell our home and take a time out.  As mentioned in previous posts and on my long arm quilting page of this site, I'm on a sabbatical.  We purchased an RV and are travelling North America.  Me, hubby, daughter and grandson.  Hubby has advanced Parkinson's and we don't really have any idea how long he will be with us, so the time is now.

Going from what felt like a million miles an hour to full stop was a hard transition.  On our travel days I am in the back seat of our truck with my grandson which affords me lots of 'staring out the window' contemplation time.  

And you know what I learned?  I don't do well idle.  I don't sit still well. (I kinda already knew that which is why doing patchwork soothes me.) Doing nothing (other than admiring the beauty of our scenery passing by) does not come naturally to me.  Who am I without the crutch of work upon which I had apparently built my identity? Who am I without quilting?  Good questions.

I'm a human BEING, that's who.  I wasn't designed to be a human DOING and I do not have any more worth because of it.  I am LOVED by the Father for who I AM, not what I DO.    It may take the whole trip to really grasp this and let it sink deep into my heart. But that's a start.

So this time out sabbatical for our family is a time of recalibration.  It's a time of soul-searching and seeking the Father and enjoying His goodness, provision and opportunities.  And I'm going for it.  Despite being uncomfortable at times, I know that He has provided this time out for our good.  He has led us, and provided for us, and covered us.  He has laid out a visual banquet of His creation for us to feast on.  We feel His guidance every day in every decision we make and it's a good thing.

To Him be the Glory!